


There's a Diamond Loose in a Kindergarten (John Mulaney parody)

by citrusella, Dimonds456



Series: Half a Puppet- Steven Universe [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Horse in the hospital, None of this will make sense of you haven't read up to Chapter 9 in Half a Puppet, Parody, Parody stand-up, john mulaney - Freeform, stand-up parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29303952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dimonds456/pseuds/Dimonds456
Summary: Read Chapter 9 of Half a Puppet, then come back here.This is a parody of John Mulaney's stand-up bit, "Horse in the Hospital."Enjoy!
Series: Half a Puppet- Steven Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2152323
Comments: 12
Kudos: 15





	There's a Diamond Loose in a Kindergarten (John Mulaney parody)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [There's a Horse In The Hospital](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/757206) by John Mulaney. 



> Shoutout to citrusella for continuing this in the comments section, which made me want to finish this aha. They wrote the "there's no experts" part. Go give them some love!

Here's how I like to look at it, and this is just me. This gem having this much power, it's like there's a Diamond _loose_ in a Kindergarten. It's like there's a Diamond _loose_ in a Kindergarten. It's never happened before! No one knows what the Diamond's gonna do next, least of all the Diamond! She's never _been_ in a Kindergarten before; she's just as confused as you!

There’s no experts. They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, "We’re joined now by a Hessonite that once saw an agate in the Kyanite colony." Get out of here with that! We’ve all seen an _agate_ in the Kyanite colony. This is a _Diamond,_ _loose_ in a _Kindergarten!_

When a Diamond is loose in a Kindergarten, you gotta stay updated. So all day long as you walk around, “What’d the Diamond do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. “The Diamond used a limb enhancer? I didn’t know she knew how to do that.”

The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the Diamond _at all._ You’re working on building a new spire like, “Hey, has anyone… has anyone heard from-” [imitates distant shouting noises]. Those are those quiet days where hopeful gems are like “It looks like the Diamond has finally calmed down.” And then ten seconds later the Diamonds is like “I am going to cancel all proceedings on the Citrine colony and terminate the planet completely. I have mind control powers and I’m very tall, I’m a Diamond!” Aw that’s what I thought you’d say, you _dumb Diamond!_

Then you go to the palace with people and they're like "There shouldn't be a _Diamond_ in the _Kindergarten_ ," and it's like "We're WELL past that!" Then you have people who are like "Well if there's gonna be a Diamond in the Kindergarten then I'm gonna spill all my Agate's secrets on TV" and it's like "Those don't match up _at ALL."_

And for a second, it seemed like _maybe_ we’d survive the Diamond. Then, 5,000 light years away, a  _ different _ Diamond was like “I want to help people! And I want to fix all these gems that you broke!” And before we could say anything, the Diamond was like “If you even  _ try _ to convince me to help you heal all those gems, I will mind control you with my powers. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it so I can mind control you with my powers. I am absolutely crazy.” And the other Diamond was like “You think you’re crazy? I am a Crystal Gem. I live on the planet Earth with these guys 24/7. To you guys,  _ I’m _ crazy.” 

And all of us are like “Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” Like poor Andy DeMayo at those family reunions. “Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.”

And then, for a second, we were like “Maybe the other two Diamonds will stop the Diamond?” And then the Diamond is like “I have mind-controlled the other Diamonds.” 

She can  _ do _ that?! That shouldn’t be allowed, no matter who the Diamond is! I don’t remember  _ that _ in Pearl inside Pearl inside Pearl inside Pearl’s pearl...

**Author's Note:**

> This is so dumb I'm sorry XD


End file.
